How to survive a broken heart

NB: Broken Heart is a misnomer. Hearts do not break swiftly like plates do- hearts crack like the walls in a house, inevitably breaking the house.

Step 1)
Make sure your heart is broken.

Step 2)
Abandon all hope
Hope comes from the heart. If your heart is broken, you WILL lose all hope. Let go while you're still ahead. Broken hearts do not mend. It's like a dead fish- unless it's Nemo, it won't come back to life.

Step 3)
Corner your heart
Don't let it escape. It will try to run, but since it's broken it will not get far. Avoid playing cat-mouse games. Get to the point.
Nobody wants to hear about your broken heart, so corner it and give it rules. Especially no communication with the outside world. If you let even a little bit of it escape, it will run havoc like a nearly-headless chicken in a Swarofski store.

Step 4)
Get medicated
I find antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills to level out your moods. They do not make you happy (that's what Viagra is for). They simply make things at a constant level. That means, if you're supposed to be sad, you will be sad, but without the coping mechanism of hysteria and overcompensation.

Step 5)
Self-medicate
Although somewhat of a cliche, secret self-medication allows you to express your broken heart without letting it out of it's corner (Step 3). It allows you to exhibit minimal levels of broken heart while appearing mostly sane and normal. Several options are available

• Alcohol- if you must self-medicate with alcohol, don't use beer. You are a pansy if you use beer. Beer is for social gatherings and new years eve. High concentration drinks- gin, whiskey, bourbon- are favourites of mine. Drink slowly but regularly- anybody who chugs high-line alcohol is a moron
• Drugs- only drugs which leave little to no external trace are recommended. Heroin is only useful if you always wear long-sleeves. Pot is somewhat hard to hide. Shrooms are hallucinogens, so lock yourself in your room and hide the key unless you want to come out of it tongueing your dog.
• Cutting- ever the useful tool for releasing endorphins. Only cut areas which you know you can hide- or areas which you can make up a plausible excuse for such injuries. NB- being attacked by a bear is not plausible.

Step 6)
Have an exit strategy
Move overseas and drop off the radar, start a new life if you can't handle your broken heart. Some hearts can be particularly vicious.

Step 6)
Welcome to hatred.

Not my post. But I found it bleakly funny. Points if you can figure out who.

None of us were angels...

Three subheadings today, instead of numbered, scattered points.

1. Projected self image

I found my Johari/Nohari windows again recently.

4 people think that I'm able, brave, caring, cheerful, dependable, dignified, energetic, helpful, ingenious, kind, loving, modest, powerful, reflective, sensible, trustworthy, warm and witty.

The same 4 people also think that I can be intolerant, insecure, withdrawn, hostile, unhelpful, cruel, ignorant, irrational, imperceptive, chaotic, embarrassed, loud, panicky, dispassionate, inattentive.

Most of the time, people I know are too nice to point out my negative characteristics. The only people I know that point out my negative traits are my close friends and family. And I value them for it, because they are quite aware that I'm human, and that I'm fallible.

I find it disconcerting when people idealise me or express romantic interest. Because I know that they're overlooking the negative traits that I have that I know would definitely make them run 100 kilometres in the other direction if they actually figured out that I can be quite... well not as perfect as they thought.

That's why I run 100 kilometres in the opposite direction when people view me in such a distorted light. Because they're so very, very incorrect in their perceptions of who I am, and I usually I don't want to prove them wrong. For a while now, I've been humouring people who are like that. Which is wrong, because I hate lying to them and pretending to be something I'm not.

2. Yes Man

I watched Jim Carrey's newest on Thursday with a bunch of friends who weren't a) overseas, b) at the beach, c) on bible camp. It was funny in a slapstick way I think... Carrey's humour has become less... sharp (?) over the years... some moments in the film that were supposed to be funny fell flat... some bits were kind of disturbing... but overall it was quite entertaining.

The message I got out of this film was that you shouldn't be afraid to grab life by the wrists and run. That letting yourself do the things you want to do is as straightforward as just saying yes.

I wish I could live that kind of life... but if I did that at this current moment it would hurt my parents. Because they wouldn't understand, and they'll think I'm frivolously wasting my life.

3. Nana

I started reading the manga, and I've watched the live-action film (courtesy of Youtube ^^). It's a shoujo manga, so it pretty much falls under all the conventions of the genre (ext 1 english... yay... how i love thee), so don't look for anything new. I haven't watched much of the anime yet.



The music from the live-action is what drew me into the series. The songs from both Nana (feat. Mika Nakashima) and Reira (feat. Yuna Ito) released accompanying the film are quite good. The only one I don't really like is "My medicine" by Nana, because it just sounds weird after the verses. Other than Glamourous Sky, Isolation is a pretty good song, which is surpising that 3/4 of the tracks are fairly strong.

hmm... it's late... bed time...

Hold your breath and jump over the side.

I don't mean to sound like a whiny-emo-bitch, but right now I am extraordinarily bored. I work two days a week because my boss is being stingy, and doesn't want to pay me for four days of work. So I'm home for 5 days a week, with very little to do. It is driving me absolutely insane.

Half of my friends are off on a week's trip to the beach. Lief is in the deep end just after he's told Ania everything, so talking to him would be a bad idea, because he'll take out all his frustration out on me. I call people up to talk, but nothing has actually happened, so there's nothing to talk about.

Argh. I feel like my mind has atrophied.

The 10 legged inter-species horizontal cha cha

The cockamouse is a hybrid creature, part cockroach, part mouse. It exists only in the fictional realms of "How I met your mother" in Ted, Marshall and Lily's apartment.

I may have spent too much time watching TV with my family. Till about 2am in fact.

It feels rather odd to watch a TV show, with my dad in particular, that expresses values that are so clearly opposing to my parent's. I.e. The show espouses comparatively liberal views on sex.

Because my parents have a very traditional viewpoint on pretty much everything. And they think that people who don't hold the same values they do are beneath them. So far they don't know that I don't actually think like they do, adn I have done (and plan to do) things that goes against what they have been teaching me (even until now).

It feels odd.

I am a sell out.

This time last year, I was heatedly arguing with my dad about how people who put Medicine as their first choice, and Law as their second were complete an utter money-grubbing, soulless, spineless children who were control either by their parents, or by their desire for power and money. Because surely, someone who truly wanted to do Medicine would be altruistic and interested in Science. Whereas, a Lawyer, would be interested in upholding Justice, but not necessarily for altruistic reasons, and would be more interested in the Arts. Two completely different subjects right? So if you were truly interested in one, you couldn't be interested in both.

I was wrong.

Medicine appeals to me because since year 10, I've wanted to be a psychiatrist.

Law appeals to me because since year 9, I've wanted to be a criminal psychologist.

I don't actually care about how much money I make. I don't care about how my parents will be able to boast about how they have a Doctor/Lawyer in the family.

I'm thinking that those two course will interest me intellectually, and I will enjoy the career that comes out of the degree.

But since I completely dismissed people who put those down as preferences one after the other, I am a hypocrite.

On a slightly related note:

I have 27 hours and 16 minutes to change my preferences.

Gah.

Conclusions on 2008, Resolutions for 2009 and general musings.

1) People judge you on your deeds, not your thoughts. You could be very well meaning, and do a heap of things that are strangely hurtful, and people would think you're awful. On the same token, you could be an evil git, and do a lot of altruistic things and people would think you're nice.

2) I am not an awful person. Sure, I do some exceeding stupid things, but I don't do them because I'm horrible, I do them because I don't think.

3) Said exceedingly stupid thing: Talking to Doraemon (named thus because of oddly round head), about Lief, and telling him pretty much everything. Now at the time I did this, I did not think that I should stop, nor did I think that I was doing anything wrong. In fact, it felt really good to have an outsider's point of view on everything. It's just unfortunate that he happens to be Lief's mortal enemy, and that everyone else in the room heard too. Now that was the stupid part that was really really dumb and will come back to bite me in the ass.

3) I do manipulate people to get what I want. That is probably wrong, but that doesn't actually stop me from doing it.

4) Like I said, I'm not actually an awful person, despite me going on about how evil I am. I actually say that I'm evil so that when I do something wrong, I can say "I told you so. You just didn't believe me." Also, after I've done something wrong that only I've noticed, I tell myself that I'm awful so that I don't actually have to do anything to fix the problem. It eases the guilt. I have a great logic centre.

5) I used to talk to Lief all the time. He was my deposit box for crazy talk. In fact he was pretty much the only person I could talk to about sex, love, and criminal behaviour completely without any discomfort, or fear of being judged. But now I've stopped talking to him, because he pushed me too far, and I haven't closed the gap between us.

In fact, I think the further the distance between myself and Lief, the better. Because I don't have the strength to deal with him anymore. So when he calls me, I lie, I omit facts, I don't tell him everything. He thinks that I'm drifting away from him, and he'd be right.

So now I don't have anyone to talk to about everything to. So I blog. And even then, I don't say everything in the one blog. I have a few dirty socks strewn all around the corners of the internet. I'm sure if you could be bothered, you could dig around and find out all the crazy things I think and feel, but then you'd be just as crazy as I am. It's probably not quite right to pour my heart and soul into an electronic journal, but I find it easier to express myself in written text, where I can edit my words, a lot easier than calling someone up, and thinking of things to say on the spot.

6) I have put on weight. And much that I hate to say it, this fact is draining my confidence. I used to like the way I look, but now all I can see in the mirror are tuck-shop-lady arms, a belly large enough to warrant questions about the due date of my baby, and my gelatinous thighs. There are some days when I feel ok about myself (particularly before I've eaten anything at all). I actually spend an hour trying to find clothes to wear everyday that don't make me look like a beached whale.

7) I don't blog for sympathy, or compliments. I was never given sympathy as a child, and I don't want or need it now. I don't want compliments, unless I've actually done something to deserve it. And these days, I don't feel like I deserve any compliments.

8) I'm not doing a very good job of behaving like an adult. You know, analytical thinking before making decisions, diplomacy, compromise that sort of thing. I am getting better at cooking a cleaning. I can do the dishes in less than half and hour now. =/

New Year's Resolution 1: Think before doing things.
New Year's Resolution 2: Think before saying things.
New Year's Resolution 3: Stop manipulating people.
New Year's Resolution 4: If I do something awful, and I feel guilty, I should do something to fix it, or deal with the consequences. If I've done something awful, and I don't care, then I should just forget it.
New Year's Resolution 5: Learn how to be less socially retarded in general.
New Year's Resolution 6: Eat less junk food, and have less soft drinks. Try to avoid Burger franchises.
New Year's Resolution 7: Take better care of my skin
New Year's Resolution 8: Exercise regularly.
New Year's Resolution 9: Be able to skim a kilometre.
New Year's Resolution 10: Save up $10, 000

So here's to the New Year. I hope that each year will be better than the last. And it should be. I can legally drink, have gay sex (not that I'm into that thing, and not that I'm a man that is gay and would be looking to have gay sex), go clubbing, visit pubs, visit casinos, buy lottery tickets, gamble (gambling is grotty, and addiction to it is likely to be hereditary), smoke (not that I would smoke. Smoking is also grotty, and I'd probably die while doing it), and become a registered member of certain rock climbing venues. Here's to being lucky in love, finding the path I want to take career wise, and starting up my hobbies of singing, dancing and general artsy stuff.

Bear baiting

Have you ever poked a bear with a hot metal stick?

You know that it will make the bear very angry. It will most likely kill you if it can reach you.

You know that you have no chance of surviving if the bear attacks back. You don't even know why you're doing it. But you're going to keep on doing it until one of you dies.

If you're stupid enough to ever have tried this, then you'll know the depths to which my stupidity goes.

Fudgesticks.

I am quite possibly the most socially retarded person I know.