How to survive a broken heart

NB: Broken Heart is a misnomer. Hearts do not break swiftly like plates do- hearts crack like the walls in a house, inevitably breaking the house.

Step 1)
Make sure your heart is broken.

Step 2)
Abandon all hope
Hope comes from the heart. If your heart is broken, you WILL lose all hope. Let go while you're still ahead. Broken hearts do not mend. It's like a dead fish- unless it's Nemo, it won't come back to life.

Step 3)
Corner your heart
Don't let it escape. It will try to run, but since it's broken it will not get far. Avoid playing cat-mouse games. Get to the point.
Nobody wants to hear about your broken heart, so corner it and give it rules. Especially no communication with the outside world. If you let even a little bit of it escape, it will run havoc like a nearly-headless chicken in a Swarofski store.

Step 4)
Get medicated
I find antidepressants and anti-anxiety pills to level out your moods. They do not make you happy (that's what Viagra is for). They simply make things at a constant level. That means, if you're supposed to be sad, you will be sad, but without the coping mechanism of hysteria and overcompensation.

Step 5)
Self-medicate
Although somewhat of a cliche, secret self-medication allows you to express your broken heart without letting it out of it's corner (Step 3). It allows you to exhibit minimal levels of broken heart while appearing mostly sane and normal. Several options are available

• Alcohol- if you must self-medicate with alcohol, don't use beer. You are a pansy if you use beer. Beer is for social gatherings and new years eve. High concentration drinks- gin, whiskey, bourbon- are favourites of mine. Drink slowly but regularly- anybody who chugs high-line alcohol is a moron
• Drugs- only drugs which leave little to no external trace are recommended. Heroin is only useful if you always wear long-sleeves. Pot is somewhat hard to hide. Shrooms are hallucinogens, so lock yourself in your room and hide the key unless you want to come out of it tongueing your dog.
• Cutting- ever the useful tool for releasing endorphins. Only cut areas which you know you can hide- or areas which you can make up a plausible excuse for such injuries. NB- being attacked by a bear is not plausible.

Step 6)
Have an exit strategy
Move overseas and drop off the radar, start a new life if you can't handle your broken heart. Some hearts can be particularly vicious.

Step 6)
Welcome to hatred.

Not my post. But I found it bleakly funny. Points if you can figure out who.