=D

I figure if I don't eat, I don't have to puke it back up again.

WIN

No, but seriously, since the holidays started and I've been sitting on my ass doing a lot of reading (Damn you LAW114!! *shakes fist*), I've stopped compulsively eating in general.

I'm not starving myself. Seriously, I eat when I'm hungry.

But I only feel hungry like twice a day now. Sometime around 11am, and then at about 8pm.

I think it has something to do with my blood sugar levels. While I was at uni, I had too much sugar and caffeine, and just crashed at the end of the day.

Yeah.

Conclusions on 2008, Resolutions for 2009 and general musings.

1) People judge you on your deeds, not your thoughts. You could be very well meaning, and do a heap of things that are strangely hurtful, and people would think you're awful. On the same token, you could be an evil git, and do a lot of altruistic things and people would think you're nice.

2) I am not an awful person. Sure, I do some exceeding stupid things, but I don't do them because I'm horrible, I do them because I don't think.

3) Said exceedingly stupid thing: Talking to Doraemon (named thus because of oddly round head), about Lief, and telling him pretty much everything. Now at the time I did this, I did not think that I should stop, nor did I think that I was doing anything wrong. In fact, it felt really good to have an outsider's point of view on everything. It's just unfortunate that he happens to be Lief's mortal enemy, and that everyone else in the room heard too. Now that was the stupid part that was really really dumb and will come back to bite me in the ass.

3) I do manipulate people to get what I want. That is probably wrong, but that doesn't actually stop me from doing it.

4) Like I said, I'm not actually an awful person, despite me going on about how evil I am. I actually say that I'm evil so that when I do something wrong, I can say "I told you so. You just didn't believe me." Also, after I've done something wrong that only I've noticed, I tell myself that I'm awful so that I don't actually have to do anything to fix the problem. It eases the guilt. I have a great logic centre.

5) I used to talk to Lief all the time. He was my deposit box for crazy talk. In fact he was pretty much the only person I could talk to about sex, love, and criminal behaviour completely without any discomfort, or fear of being judged. But now I've stopped talking to him, because he pushed me too far, and I haven't closed the gap between us.

In fact, I think the further the distance between myself and Lief, the better. Because I don't have the strength to deal with him anymore. So when he calls me, I lie, I omit facts, I don't tell him everything. He thinks that I'm drifting away from him, and he'd be right.

So now I don't have anyone to talk to about everything to. So I blog. And even then, I don't say everything in the one blog. I have a few dirty socks strewn all around the corners of the internet. I'm sure if you could be bothered, you could dig around and find out all the crazy things I think and feel, but then you'd be just as crazy as I am. It's probably not quite right to pour my heart and soul into an electronic journal, but I find it easier to express myself in written text, where I can edit my words, a lot easier than calling someone up, and thinking of things to say on the spot.

6) I have put on weight. And much that I hate to say it, this fact is draining my confidence. I used to like the way I look, but now all I can see in the mirror are tuck-shop-lady arms, a belly large enough to warrant questions about the due date of my baby, and my gelatinous thighs. There are some days when I feel ok about myself (particularly before I've eaten anything at all). I actually spend an hour trying to find clothes to wear everyday that don't make me look like a beached whale.

7) I don't blog for sympathy, or compliments. I was never given sympathy as a child, and I don't want or need it now. I don't want compliments, unless I've actually done something to deserve it. And these days, I don't feel like I deserve any compliments.

8) I'm not doing a very good job of behaving like an adult. You know, analytical thinking before making decisions, diplomacy, compromise that sort of thing. I am getting better at cooking a cleaning. I can do the dishes in less than half and hour now. =/

New Year's Resolution 1: Think before doing things.
New Year's Resolution 2: Think before saying things.
New Year's Resolution 3: Stop manipulating people.
New Year's Resolution 4: If I do something awful, and I feel guilty, I should do something to fix it, or deal with the consequences. If I've done something awful, and I don't care, then I should just forget it.
New Year's Resolution 5: Learn how to be less socially retarded in general.
New Year's Resolution 6: Eat less junk food, and have less soft drinks. Try to avoid Burger franchises.
New Year's Resolution 7: Take better care of my skin
New Year's Resolution 8: Exercise regularly.
New Year's Resolution 9: Be able to skim a kilometre.
New Year's Resolution 10: Save up $10, 000

So here's to the New Year. I hope that each year will be better than the last. And it should be. I can legally drink, have gay sex (not that I'm into that thing, and not that I'm a man that is gay and would be looking to have gay sex), go clubbing, visit pubs, visit casinos, buy lottery tickets, gamble (gambling is grotty, and addiction to it is likely to be hereditary), smoke (not that I would smoke. Smoking is also grotty, and I'd probably die while doing it), and become a registered member of certain rock climbing venues. Here's to being lucky in love, finding the path I want to take career wise, and starting up my hobbies of singing, dancing and general artsy stuff.

Family, friends and f***ing deadlines.

Right. So all the yearbook stuff is due this Tuesday or Wednesday, according to Charizard, who I incidentally met at the Macquarie shopping centre today, looking for a dress. One of the editors, let's just call her Crackers, asked me to do a group page for our biology class. I said yes, knowing full well that I had to go buy my dress for the formal, take my visiting family out on Sunday AND Monday. I don't know why I said yes. God damnit why didn't she ask me LAST week when I wasn't so busy that I had to cancel an event I've planned since ages ago. I HATE cancelling events.

Yes. I is angry.

Stupid Crackers.

Although, the animosity I'm directing towards her really is unjustified. And possibly hypocrital. I distinctly remember telling my mother that she should hold grudges against people because being angry at someone for a long time is like holding a hot coal with the intention to hurt someone else for a long time, but you just end up hurting yourself. I think the Buddha said something along those lines.

So I should probably stop hating her for no reason. Considering I don't like Wothisface anymore, and she's gotten back together with her boyfriend. I guess I wasn't strong enough to think about Wothisface's well-being instead of being pointlessly jealous. Hopefully I'll learn. Considering I keep saying that I think monogamy is horrible and pointless, I shouldn't really feel jealous about this kind of thing. Parental and societal conditioning is rather difficult to break. -_-

Wow, this blogging stuff really works.

There was supposed to be a coherent thread to this blog, but I've kind of lost it =/

My cousin (The perfect one. because she's tall, skinny and intelligent. and also because she does chores without being asked, and doesn't talk back to her mother. LIKE A GOOD DAUGHTER SHOULD! I love her, seriously, but I feel rather inferior when I'm around her. And that's something, considering my inflated ego =/), her boyfriend Scooby, and her brother The Dancer all arrived in Sydney on Sunday. My father and I took them out to the city today to sightsee. We drove to Milsons Point to take photos of the Harbour Bridge, the Opera House from across the Harbour, and Luna Park. Scooby and the Dancer had some fun playing with forced perspectives =D

Then we drove around to Chinatown to have lunch. According to The Dancer, the standard for testing a new bubble tea place is to try their Taro milk tea. If it's smooth, creamy and is just sweet enough, the rest of their teas must be good as well. I should test this out. It gives me an excuse to have bubble tea xD

We went to Tumbalong Park after lunch. It's been ages since I've been there. I'm surprised at how much I've grown since in four years, because everything is so much smaller than I remember =S I used to love going there to play in the park with my brothers. Now all that they're interested in is Warcraft. =( I really hate that game sometimes.

We did a lot of walking, mostly around the shopping mall at the Harbour, and around Market City. We didn't actually buy anything Oo Except for food. Which I'm trying not to eat, because I've realized when I put on my formal dress, you can see my stomach.

Don't get me wrong. I usually love the way I look. I know that as a young woman, I'm probably as perfect and as beautiful as I will ever be. And that as I grow older, it can only go downhill from there. It's just recently, I've been panicking because I'm adhering to other people's standards of beauty. Namely my mother's.

Which somehow leads me to the topics of eating disorders. I think I used to have bulimia. I remember that at some stage I used to overeat, and then run off to the bathroom to regurgitate. I used to feel a lot better afterwards, because I didn't have that horrible bloated feeling. My brother did it too. So I checked with the doctor, and it was acid reflux. But I do remember running off to the loo to regurgitate even when I hadn't eaten much.

I know some people throw up their food because it gives them a sense of control over something in their life. I actually find that eating normal meals in smaller portions several times throughout the day helps me to keep my food down. And in that way, it gives me more control than if I wantonly overeat, and puke it all up again.

That's a disturbing topic. =/ Let's move on.

Instead of going to Cookies' "Fighting Dreamers" photoshoot at school today, I went out with my cousins. Yay. =/ Oh well, I'll see everyone on Thursday, and we'll all be dressed up nicely, and we'll take a stack of photos then. And we won't sleep, we'll just dance and talk all night. I'm looking forward to that.

I'm also looking forward to turning eighteen, because my cousins are going to take me out clubbing for the first time. This is why I love my cousins, they provide for me like siblings would. And they're a good moderating force for my parents. (they went to the Chris Brown and Rihanna concert in New Zealand. Apparently, Rihanna was like "Hello Auckland! *crickets chirp* Auckland sucks! LOL epic phail, Anyway, maybe they'll be able to convince my parents that concerts AREN'T a waste of money, or dangerous.) So yay! Clubbing, and insane doses of Berocca (not so much the alcohol, I don't want to embarass myself... the last time I drank, I almost immediately regurgitated it back out again @.@ I don't handle drugs well, unlike The Dancer... because he's a pharmacist xD get it? Oh I'm a funny one... not)