No one would pay for these thoughts

I learnt at some point that thoughts are just thoughts. They don't define you, they may not even be your real opinion and they are definitely rebuttable.

1) I need help. I still haven't learnt that procrastination has long term negative consequences >=(
2) I don't think about trust issues anymore. If people hurt me, they'll hurt me. I'll just learn not to answer their questions truthfully.
3) Most of my friends are reliable.
4) I'm not replying back to letters due to sheer laziness... and I don't care anymore.
5) Nathan Fillion in Castle is awesome.
6) I'm going to have fun learning to start conversations with people in creative ways.
7) I want to learn how to make mash ups.
8) Bouncing ideas and theories off my family is actually pretty fun. Time consuming, but fun.
9) I can't stand not talking to people. Holidays where I'm stuck at home ARE THE WORST.
10) I got a hair cut. I miss my hair, split ends and all.

I am a pervert.

Probably.

New guy at work. Talks very fast (walks even faster). Kind of witty, sort of pretty. Odd sort of name too.

Has a physique like a shop mannequin. He has the elusive triangle shaped torso. It'd be a very interesting shape to draw if I was was an artist. Except I'm not. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you think about it) he looks rather nice in long sleeved shirts, especially if they're tucked in.

Um.

In other news:

- Pay rise
- Volunteered for Student Mentoring 2010
- Performing for O-week
- Booked tickets for Thailand for the end of the year
- Bought my first pair of high heels with my own money
- Cousins from NZ popped by over the holidays. Went to various places, ate at various restaurants.

Jello shots!

I desperately want to make them.

But there's something supremely pathetic about drinking alone... and neither of my brothers are old enough to drink... not that I'd endorse them drinking D= (they're smarter than I am, and ought to stay that way). I'd make them for the next party that's coming up, but it's being hosted by Babyface, who probably would not appreciate having drunk people around.



Look at them. How could anyone-who's-easily-amused-and-attracted-to-brightly-coloured-things resist?

Speaking of parties, I went to Pendragon's 19th party (I think it was his 19th =S). Funnily enough I was the only girl there... so without me, they would have been having a sausage fest. Actually my presence didn't change anything.... the guys brought party supplies: hats, long balloons, and alcohol.

Of course, like the mature responsible adults we are, we blew up balloons and shaped them into large phalluses. And much hilarity ensued.

I drove to my cousin in law's sister's house yesterday to play badminton + Wii + grand piano, eat dinner, watch Masterchef, play charades, sing karaoke and make attempts at prank calling people at 1am.

From badminton, my arms and ankles are extraordinarily sore. My pride is sore from losing at mario kart (stupid wii mote >=( ). Dinner was delicious (mmm steak and chips... lavishly marinated and salted of course). We took home the leftovers. Surprisingly, no matter what socioeconomic status you belong to, all Asians will use plastic takeaway boxes as Tupperware. I speak the truth. Both my cousin in law and her sister live in humongous, beautiful houses on large plots of land and they both use plastic takeaway containers. It's good to know some things never change.

And thanks to their humongous flat screen T.V, we were able to experience the full surround sound experience of watching the first Naruto movie (english dub... oh the agony...). It wasn't that bad I guess... the best line is when Koyuki-hime watches her father's royal guard leader/manager die, and says: "I can't cry. You have my eyedrops." Heh. A girl after my own heart.

My extended family seems to be really impressed with my plans for the future. I didn't tell them everything though... like how I'm planning to bring the system down from the inside... but that's crazy talk! Don't listen to me haha

Later on in the night I played truth or dare with the kids in the house who weren't playing Maple-story. One of the funnier things we succeed in getting my younger second cousin (once removed) to do was annoy adults. Her dad and his family friend were playing ping pong. I dared her to grab the ping pong ball and run away with it. Hee hee, kids are so cute.

Then we tried prank calling people... but everyone we tried didn't pick up/were asleep. eh. still had fun.

Tomorrow, I plan to enrol in more subjects at uni. I'm not looking forward to that, but I guess if I want to go on exchange I'll have to get enough credits =(

Finish the sentence meme

Cheers to all us thieves!

Sunday Stealing: The Finish The Sentence Meme: http://sundaystealing.blogspot.com/2009/06/finish-sentence-meme.html

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss... gave me the strength to focus on my education, and not on my next relationship.

2. I am listening to... Iron Maiden.

3. I talk... a lot.

4. I love... my family.

5. My best friend/s... is awesome.

6. My first real kiss... was not that great. Actually it was pretty gross. Actually, it put me off of kissing for a month.

7. Love is... a lot of things. A blog's worth of things. It can't be defined in a sentence.

8. Marriage is... great for some people, but probably not for me.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... of themselves, probably.

10. I'll always... be really short.

11. The last time I really cried was because... a stupid, stupid mistake was made.

12. My cell phone... is a brick that has lasted quite some time. =]

13. When I wake up in the morning... I usually stay in bed for another few minutes.

14. Before I go to bed... I brush my teeth. Or check Facebook =/

15. Right now I am thinking about... John Mayer. Well a particular song anyway.

16. Babies are... cute I guess.

17. I get on Myspace... NEVER. MySpace is the cesspool of the internet.

18. Today I... drove to Cabramatta =S

19. Tomorrow I will be... working! Then crossing off some things from my 100 things to do before I die list.

20. I really want to be... an agent of global change. Someday.

I have to be a little more careful about what I say in this blog...

Dr. Horrible - The Musical is on in 5 days! Unfortunately, so is my Law assignment.

Hello blog which has not seen the light of day in a while.

I find it incredibly amusing that out of my siblings, I am the only one who is not having love-problems.

Heh.

Feels good to be different for a change. It's very refreshing to not be obsessed with whoever happens to the the boy of my year.

So. Work. Onwards!

A series of increasingly uncomfortable conversations.

A topic that comes up surprisingly often these days between my parents and I, unfortunately, is sex. I think the reason this topic is coming up so often is because
1) I'm in uni with a variety of people, instead of your standard Asian nerds.
2) I can drink alcohol
3) I go out a lot more where they can't monitor my behaviour
And hence they panic and freak out.

It's extraordinarily awkward to talk about *certain* things with your parents. I'd come up with some kind of metaphor or analogy, but the truth is I cannot think of anything more awkward than that.

The hard and fast line they are trying to put across is "NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE". That also includes anything beyond hugging and, the recently conceded, kissing. My dad in particular wants me to stay as pure as the driven snow until I get married, and my mum wants me to stay "innocent" and I would stay that way if I steered clear of carnal knowledge.

Why?



Well, there are a multitude of reasons I suppose.

For example, according to the major religions of the world, there are reasons for abstinence.

Christianity forbids premarital sex. Some strands of Judeo-Christian religions also frown upon affection between married couples. I haven't read enough of the bible to explain this uet, but I'm fairly certain that's the case.

In Buddhism, one of the precepts, that is the behavioural guides for righteous living, is not to indulge in physical excess. This I do know the reason for. The causes of suffering, according to Buddhism, is desire for things that are physical, or tangible. This desire ties us to the world, hence be freed of this existence, and will be reborn again into the cycle of suffering.

According to the law, sex between consenting heterosexuals over the age of 16 is legal, sex between consenting homosexuals over the age of 18 is legal, sex between a 15 year old and a 18 year old is illegal, sex between two 16 year old males is illegal and all sorts of other fun things. Law, as I've been learning in Law, is not necessarily tied to morals.

Socially, it is less acceptable for a woman to have multiple sexual partners than a man. I think this stems from this society being somewhat religious.



Biologically speaking (again), sex stimulates chemicals that screw up with rational thought processes. I like thinking. I like having control. Anything that would prevent me from thinking clearly and depriving me of what little control I have over my life's situation surely would be detrimental.

So there's a wide range of reasons for why I shouldn't have sex.



Now, as far as I've heard, sex is a pleasurable experience. Explained on a technical level it seems a little messy. Biologically it used to be necessary for this to occur in order for reproduction to occur. But with the introduction of contraception, abortion, IVF etc, this is not necessarily the case.

Humans all experience desire at some stage, unless there is something neurologically wrong with them. Now this is just in general, as the word desire encompasses many facets.



As far as I'm concerned, sex is a base kind of pleasure. It is a purely physical sensation. However, as human beings, we ARE physical beings, despite having opposable thumbs and a brain, and all the kerfuffle raised over the years how Homo Sapiens are somehow separate to animals. Hence, if we are entitled to pleasures such as reading, writing, music, art etc, we should also be entitled to the most controversial physical pleasures as well.

I don't intend on getting married. And if I do get married, it will not follow the conventions of a typical marriage according to either religious norms nor shall it follow the norms my parents propose. Hence, it will be regarded as an invalid "marriage" by both society and my parents.

From this, it follows that I will never have sexual relations with anyone.

Now this is something I intensely disagree with.

I feel as though the only thing preventing me from choosing how to live my life is fear of some sanction, whether it is from a religious, social or moral power. Hence, this unnamed power is preventing me from having some form of control over my life, and this is the collar that chafes at my neck.


The problem with my parents just telling me to not have sex is that the reasons they give for it are a little arbitary. Most of the reasons I've listed here I've had to come up with for myself.

In the end, I've decided on a set of guidelines for my own behaviour, that is not quite in accordance to the values my parents and parts of my society espouse. I just hope that there aren't too many negative consequences from that, and if there are consequences I hope I can deal with them.

YARRRRR.

Parental separation anxiety?

My dad freaks out when my brothers walk home. We live a 15 minute walk away from the school. It's ridiculous. It's not like they're going to get stabbed on the way home or something.

It's the same with uni stuff. Already, he is trying to stop me from going to stuff that, while aren't compulsory, would be social suicide if I do not attend. Like the O-Week party, or the Law Camp. And from financing myself through university (not so much uni, but my social life). He tried to hint to me that I should quit my job to concentrate on studying. Which I don't want to do. I like having money to spend. I like having control over the places I go.* I like having a place to go that isn't home or school, where I get paid to do something I enjoy.

He freaks out when I drive.**

He freaks out when I go out.

If you've heard of separation anxiety, you'll know that it's usually associated with young children and small animals. When the primary caregiver of said child/pet is absent, the child/pet will experience mild to extreme symptoms of anxiety. Parental separation anxiety is the reverse, where when the child/pet is absent, they will instead feel symptoms of anxiety.

It's quite bizarre.

I'd like to learn more about it (and how to get rid of it.)

*Speaking of going out, sometimes I go out with friends while telling my parents that I'm working, or going to uni.

**Driving is FRICKING scary. I have nightmares about it. They always involve me having to drive in an emergency, with someone dying in the end. I've had 7 hours of driving experience so far, and while dad says I can't be a perfect driver after only a few hours of driving, his comments while I'm driving are the opposite. E.g. ZOMG you're driving too close to the kerb, why can't you control the car? and/or ZOMG I can't believe you didn't slow down before that hump, are you blind? You're so careless... etc

Anyway, Uni tomorrow. First lecture, and unfortunately, I don't know anyone in my STAT171 class yet =/ Grargh.

None of us were angels...

Three subheadings today, instead of numbered, scattered points.

1. Projected self image

I found my Johari/Nohari windows again recently.

4 people think that I'm able, brave, caring, cheerful, dependable, dignified, energetic, helpful, ingenious, kind, loving, modest, powerful, reflective, sensible, trustworthy, warm and witty.

The same 4 people also think that I can be intolerant, insecure, withdrawn, hostile, unhelpful, cruel, ignorant, irrational, imperceptive, chaotic, embarrassed, loud, panicky, dispassionate, inattentive.

Most of the time, people I know are too nice to point out my negative characteristics. The only people I know that point out my negative traits are my close friends and family. And I value them for it, because they are quite aware that I'm human, and that I'm fallible.

I find it disconcerting when people idealise me or express romantic interest. Because I know that they're overlooking the negative traits that I have that I know would definitely make them run 100 kilometres in the other direction if they actually figured out that I can be quite... well not as perfect as they thought.

That's why I run 100 kilometres in the opposite direction when people view me in such a distorted light. Because they're so very, very incorrect in their perceptions of who I am, and I usually I don't want to prove them wrong. For a while now, I've been humouring people who are like that. Which is wrong, because I hate lying to them and pretending to be something I'm not.

2. Yes Man

I watched Jim Carrey's newest on Thursday with a bunch of friends who weren't a) overseas, b) at the beach, c) on bible camp. It was funny in a slapstick way I think... Carrey's humour has become less... sharp (?) over the years... some moments in the film that were supposed to be funny fell flat... some bits were kind of disturbing... but overall it was quite entertaining.

The message I got out of this film was that you shouldn't be afraid to grab life by the wrists and run. That letting yourself do the things you want to do is as straightforward as just saying yes.

I wish I could live that kind of life... but if I did that at this current moment it would hurt my parents. Because they wouldn't understand, and they'll think I'm frivolously wasting my life.

3. Nana

I started reading the manga, and I've watched the live-action film (courtesy of Youtube ^^). It's a shoujo manga, so it pretty much falls under all the conventions of the genre (ext 1 english... yay... how i love thee), so don't look for anything new. I haven't watched much of the anime yet.



The music from the live-action is what drew me into the series. The songs from both Nana (feat. Mika Nakashima) and Reira (feat. Yuna Ito) released accompanying the film are quite good. The only one I don't really like is "My medicine" by Nana, because it just sounds weird after the verses. Other than Glamourous Sky, Isolation is a pretty good song, which is surpising that 3/4 of the tracks are fairly strong.

hmm... it's late... bed time...

The 10 legged inter-species horizontal cha cha

The cockamouse is a hybrid creature, part cockroach, part mouse. It exists only in the fictional realms of "How I met your mother" in Ted, Marshall and Lily's apartment.

I may have spent too much time watching TV with my family. Till about 2am in fact.

It feels rather odd to watch a TV show, with my dad in particular, that expresses values that are so clearly opposing to my parent's. I.e. The show espouses comparatively liberal views on sex.

Because my parents have a very traditional viewpoint on pretty much everything. And they think that people who don't hold the same values they do are beneath them. So far they don't know that I don't actually think like they do, adn I have done (and plan to do) things that goes against what they have been teaching me (even until now).

It feels odd.

9th wedding in the family

So my cousin Londonette is finally getting married. She has found a nice strapping English lad who works in the entertainment industry (as a DJ, a promoter and a bouncer), who's quite tall, well built, bald, and a good chess player. Let's call him Kasparov.

Londonette and Kasparov are getting married sometime in August in Thailand. Now my parents are refusing to attend said wedding. I asked if it was because it was Thailand and that it was kind of like they were eloping.

Actually, they're refusing to go because she ran off to London for five years, and because she's marrying a guy who's English like Stephen K. Amos is English. Except he's not gay. Or a comedian.

Yeah.

Wrap your head around that.

I think the next boy I bring home will be a pinoi.

Grah?

The pros and cons of moving out.

Pros:

1) Freedom
2) Independence
3) Learning life skills
4) I don't have to follow my parents rules
5) My father wants me out of the house because I don't want to follow said rules

Cons
1) Money
2) I will miss my brothers
3) I haven't even started looking for a place to live
4) I don't know how to drive, and would therefore spend even more money travelling on public transport
5) I'd have to get better paid work

Right. Now that my father has officially asked me to pack my bags and leave home, I shall set about researching a place to live. I don't think he actually means it, but I will take it as an invitation to leave. Wish me luck.

Christmas Eve and Christmas happy haps.

So yesterday Glamaling had a Christmas party that I was invited to, but to which I chose not to attend, for a few reasons:
1) I didn't want to go
2) I was working
3) My camera was broken
4) I had already been out on Saturday, Sunday and Monday of this week, and I didn't want to push it with my parents.
5) My parents probably wouldn't let me go, so I told my self I didn't want to go to prevent disappointment.

So instead, I went to work, then came home. I was going to go rockclimbing with my family, but it turns out the place closed at 5, and we got there at 4:30 =S So instead of going rockclimbing, I stayed at home and made kimchi with turnip, which is a new experience. It was just as fun as rockclimbing. Mmm... I can't wait until Saturday, because it'll be ready by then.

So... today is Christmas. I could have been sending off texts to everyone on my mobile phone, or sending off emails, or facebook-wall posting wishing people "merry xmas" but I couldn't be assed. It's a holiday, and I'm not making more work for myself. I have done three constructive things today:
1) Made mango pudding
2) Cleaned my room
3) Made a slideshow of photos

I have done little else but eat, sleep and play guitar.

Yay for holidays.

So Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, have a wonderful yuletide, or midwinter solstice, yada yada. I don't really believe in any of these, but it gives me a free excuse to not do anything. Mmm laziness...

we'll show the world we can dance

I am mildly annoyed right now. My camera is dying... and there's not a lot I can do about it. I don't have enough money to buy a new one right now. Gah. my poor bro, took photos and video at his formal, and it's gone. ALL GONE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! so yeah, he's pretty devastated. so devastated he smacked the camera twice... and now the camera will probably die fairly shortly. *cries*

On the bright side of life

1) I've apologised to Wotshisface for being a bitch, and he's accepted. yay! no hard feelings there.
2) I'm allowed out! yay! apparently my dad's two hour lecture wasn't exactly about banning me from going out. It was about how I should actually think before I say stuff... especially if it's hurtful to my mum. >< sorry mum. sorry dad. I've struck a deal, that I can go to all the stuff that's happening before new years, and after that I have to limit my going out to once a week. seems pretty fair to me =)

Now back to mourning the death of my camera. NOOOO!!!! DO NOT WANT!!!!!!!

they taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies, your little spies

I miss Spud. I wish I could talk to her. Now that I can't talk at Lief, Spud is the only one who I can talk at comfortably. Of course I talk to various people, but there is a subtle difference between talking to and talking at. Anyway... I'm just rambling.

According to my parents, because I'm over 18 now, I should behave, talk and think more like an adult. I should be more responsible for the happenings of the household, and over aspects of my life. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to have the privileges of being 18. I'm not allowed to drink when I go out and I'm not even allowed to go out anymore. I have a job, but the money I earn there is to be locked away so that I can buy textbooks for university, and so I can tutor students. I have to ask permission everytime I want to step out of the house.

So. I'm expected to act like an adult, but I'm still being treated as a child. It would be insufficient to say I am mildly annoyed.

Random thoughts accumulated from the past few days

1) Lief needs help. He probably has stopped taking his antidepressants.
2) I can't trust M. I still love her, and have fun with her, but I can't trust her anymore.
3) Most of my friends are unreliable.
4) I'm not replying back to letters due to sheer laziness... and I don't care anymore.
5) BarneyStinson is pretty awesome.
6) I don't want to be open with people anymore. I used to tell everyone various things, and now I don't want to tell anyone anything.
7) I want to make more music.
8) My family can't act as my confidant.
9) I can't stand to talk to Lief anymore. He saps my strength.
10) I'm losing Lief. But maybe I should be letting go anyway.
11) I have no one to talk to about this.
12)

My dysfunctional family (and why I love them)

My family can be pretty screwed up sometimes.

Take for example my father. One of my earliest memories involving my father is being taught that "if someone makes you angry, stick your middle finger up at them." (Funny story actually, apparently I did that to an adult at my kingergarten place and got smacked over the head for it. Not that I remember xD) He swears a lot, although recently, I've noticed that this has been curbed a little. He has two addictions (again, trying to cut back), one addiction which I've learned to live with, and gambling. Gambling is not cool. He's short tempered (literally. He'll blow his lid, and then be back to normal in the space of half an hour), and thinks he's good at everything.

My mother can be a little naive sometimes, and doesn't understand half of the things I say to her (not her fault, I speak quite quickly and incoherently that the only people who've learned to understand me are Cookies, Spud and Lief.) She is a bit over-protective and old fashioned (which is why when we have 'discussions' about morals, ethics, money or whatever, we usually end up fighting =/). She is extraordinarily conscious about MY weight. And boy can she hold a grudge.

Combined, my parents are racist and disrespectful of privacy. By that I mean they're quite judgemental when it comes to people of different races. They even have issues against the various categories of Chinese, such as people from Hong Kong and Shanghai. The privacy thing is they don't keep secrets. Ie when I tell one parent something, they tell the other one even though they've been told not to. They berate me when I show any kind of emotion aside from happiness or tiredness (ie sadness and anger).

My brothers are gamers, and one of their major vices is Warcraft. I hate Warcraft, mainly because it turns whoever is playing the blasted game into an unresponsive zombie. I also dislike people who discuss Warcraft as if it were a team sport. Warcraft is not cool.

So those are the bad points I think my family has.

When I say my dad thinks he's good at everything, that's because he is. He is literally a Jack of all trades and Master of several. He tells stories well, and is a good communicator. He's also good at analysing his mistakes, and frequently passes on (sometimes useless) advice to other people. He's funny (it's hereditary xD), kind, generous, righteous, strong and practical. He is good with kids (seriously. If you see him with a baby, he literally turns to mush). He's pretty intelligent, and can speak 3 dialects of Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese as well as your bog standard English.

My mother, although she doesn't understand my pseudo-philosophical blatherings (then again, who does?), is still quite intelligent. She didn't go to school due to a certain evil despot (I'm talking about Pol Pot here. He was a bastard.), so she has issues with spelling and vocabulary (and still thinks in Chinese). But she has pulled herself through an Accounting course at TAFE, a First Aid Certificate course, and is currently training to become an aged care worker. She is also kind, generous and righteous.

My brothers are awesome (when they're not playing warcraft). We got each other's backs. They can play guitar (better than me, though it irks me to say so). Makes for some fun jamming time. They are funny (told you it was hereditary), and smart. The elder is more emotionally understanding, while the younger is more philosophically astute.

It's easier to find good stuff about your family when you love and trust them, and they love and trust you back. So yeah, my family is pretty awesome. I feel sad whenever I hear about people who either don't have families, or feel alienated by their families (like Lief and Son of Aeson.) Then again, I'm in a good mood and I'm usually optimistic when I'm content, so it's easy to spot the good points. =]

Family, friends and f***ing deadlines.

Right. So all the yearbook stuff is due this Tuesday or Wednesday, according to Charizard, who I incidentally met at the Macquarie shopping centre today, looking for a dress. One of the editors, let's just call her Crackers, asked me to do a group page for our biology class. I said yes, knowing full well that I had to go buy my dress for the formal, take my visiting family out on Sunday AND Monday. I don't know why I said yes. God damnit why didn't she ask me LAST week when I wasn't so busy that I had to cancel an event I've planned since ages ago. I HATE cancelling events.

Yes. I is angry.

Stupid Crackers.

Although, the animosity I'm directing towards her really is unjustified. And possibly hypocrital. I distinctly remember telling my mother that she should hold grudges against people because being angry at someone for a long time is like holding a hot coal with the intention to hurt someone else for a long time, but you just end up hurting yourself. I think the Buddha said something along those lines.

So I should probably stop hating her for no reason. Considering I don't like Wothisface anymore, and she's gotten back together with her boyfriend. I guess I wasn't strong enough to think about Wothisface's well-being instead of being pointlessly jealous. Hopefully I'll learn. Considering I keep saying that I think monogamy is horrible and pointless, I shouldn't really feel jealous about this kind of thing. Parental and societal conditioning is rather difficult to break. -_-

Wow, this blogging stuff really works.

There was supposed to be a coherent thread to this blog, but I've kind of lost it =/

My cousin (The perfect one. because she's tall, skinny and intelligent. and also because she does chores without being asked, and doesn't talk back to her mother. LIKE A GOOD DAUGHTER SHOULD! I love her, seriously, but I feel rather inferior when I'm around her. And that's something, considering my inflated ego =/), her boyfriend Scooby, and her brother The Dancer all arrived in Sydney on Sunday. My father and I took them out to the city today to sightsee. We drove to Milsons Point to take photos of the Harbour Bridge, the Opera House from across the Harbour, and Luna Park. Scooby and the Dancer had some fun playing with forced perspectives =D

Then we drove around to Chinatown to have lunch. According to The Dancer, the standard for testing a new bubble tea place is to try their Taro milk tea. If it's smooth, creamy and is just sweet enough, the rest of their teas must be good as well. I should test this out. It gives me an excuse to have bubble tea xD

We went to Tumbalong Park after lunch. It's been ages since I've been there. I'm surprised at how much I've grown since in four years, because everything is so much smaller than I remember =S I used to love going there to play in the park with my brothers. Now all that they're interested in is Warcraft. =( I really hate that game sometimes.

We did a lot of walking, mostly around the shopping mall at the Harbour, and around Market City. We didn't actually buy anything Oo Except for food. Which I'm trying not to eat, because I've realized when I put on my formal dress, you can see my stomach.

Don't get me wrong. I usually love the way I look. I know that as a young woman, I'm probably as perfect and as beautiful as I will ever be. And that as I grow older, it can only go downhill from there. It's just recently, I've been panicking because I'm adhering to other people's standards of beauty. Namely my mother's.

Which somehow leads me to the topics of eating disorders. I think I used to have bulimia. I remember that at some stage I used to overeat, and then run off to the bathroom to regurgitate. I used to feel a lot better afterwards, because I didn't have that horrible bloated feeling. My brother did it too. So I checked with the doctor, and it was acid reflux. But I do remember running off to the loo to regurgitate even when I hadn't eaten much.

I know some people throw up their food because it gives them a sense of control over something in their life. I actually find that eating normal meals in smaller portions several times throughout the day helps me to keep my food down. And in that way, it gives me more control than if I wantonly overeat, and puke it all up again.

That's a disturbing topic. =/ Let's move on.

Instead of going to Cookies' "Fighting Dreamers" photoshoot at school today, I went out with my cousins. Yay. =/ Oh well, I'll see everyone on Thursday, and we'll all be dressed up nicely, and we'll take a stack of photos then. And we won't sleep, we'll just dance and talk all night. I'm looking forward to that.

I'm also looking forward to turning eighteen, because my cousins are going to take me out clubbing for the first time. This is why I love my cousins, they provide for me like siblings would. And they're a good moderating force for my parents. (they went to the Chris Brown and Rihanna concert in New Zealand. Apparently, Rihanna was like "Hello Auckland! *crickets chirp* Auckland sucks! LOL epic phail, Anyway, maybe they'll be able to convince my parents that concerts AREN'T a waste of money, or dangerous.) So yay! Clubbing, and insane doses of Berocca (not so much the alcohol, I don't want to embarass myself... the last time I drank, I almost immediately regurgitated it back out again @.@ I don't handle drugs well, unlike The Dancer... because he's a pharmacist xD get it? Oh I'm a funny one... not)

Photoshoot and work

After the Chem exam, Spud, M and I went over to Cookies' house for a Victorian/Gothic/Creepy Doll photoshoot. We dressed up in frilly, lacy dresses, put up a ton of black make up and posed in our best inanimate object poses. Cookies got to play with her new camera filters =] We had a Alice in Wonderland themed tea party ^^ It was a lot of fun =D

I actually enjoy work, which is great. I sit for 3-4 hours working through a maths exercise book and check the answers to make sure the answers are right. And I get paid for it! Unfortunately I only get paid $12/hour, so it's not as much money as I would receve if I were to privately tutor students. Hopefully I'll be able to take Cookies' mother's younger students, and get some experience tutoring.

My cousins are coming over tomorrow. I'm so busy next week that I'll only be able to spend 2 days with them =( I guess I'll have to cancel something. I hate cancelling events.

I better clean my room.