i think too much

On a scale of:



to:



I am probably a:



I'm not sure why it's such an imperative for me to be skinny, and why it's such an imperative that I have tiny thighs and a flat belly.

I've come to terms with not having tiny thighs. I've kind of decided that, as most women go, having thighs (in general) is a fact of life.

I've come to terms with the fact that at my height, I should only be a certain density.

But I just can't come to terms with the fact that I will probably never have a flat belly like this:



I mean I could... but when it comes down to it all I tend to choose to be lazy than to do something about it.

What I think I'm trying to express is that I think I'm normal. It's very hard to find pictures of normal people. It's very easy to find pictures of people belonging in the extremes. So much so that because I'm inundated with images of "skinny" women, I get the feeling I'm starting to think of them as normal. I mean they clearly aren't.

I think it's a very interesting task, trying to write yourself out of thinking something. It might not be so interesting to read sure... but that's kind of the reason I try not to advertise my blog.

I think the last thing I'm trying to nut out is the fact that I get the impression that talking about your insecurities, or the things that make you sad, seems to be avoided. I guess when people are together in a group they're trying to have a good time. I mean, I don't know about most people but when I'm with other people I tend to feel happier, and there's less time to think. I feel like if I talk about any worries or fears that it will ruin the mood. That's not to say it stops me from doing it, but I guess over time I've stopped talking about certain subjects.

And those subjects usually end up here.

I also get the impression that no one actually has insecurities, and that I'm the only one that does. I mean obviously that's not true, but it's very very easy to focus on my own thoughts, and it's very easy to look for "evidence" that supports my impression. From a psychological stand point I see why that happens, and that it happens to most people, so technically I should know better. And I'm trying. I'm slowly but surely collecting everyone else's insecurities and weaving them into a blanket that I can hide under and keep warm in. Or some other ridiculous metaphor representing warmth and comfort.

I think I'm feeling better about my thoughts now that I've written this out.

Student Politics

A joke funnier than Law students being ethical.

Match made in heaven

An attention whore and a voyeur.

Seriously, think about it. A voyeur likes to watch people do things. While in the normal sense of the word the things that a voyeur likes to watch are sexual in nature, this can extend to other things. Like Facebook stalking people. And staring at people on public transport.

An attention whore is someone who loves attention, and will do anything to get that attention. Maybe it's a pride thing. Maybe it's a needy thing. Who knows? In any case everything an attention whore does is carefully archived away into photos, videos or words to be accessed via some social networking site.

The perfect couple... the attention whore regulars acts and reaches out for validation while the voyeur watches and gives their silent (or not so silent) approval.

Pretty messed up huh?

No one would pay for these thoughts

I learnt at some point that thoughts are just thoughts. They don't define you, they may not even be your real opinion and they are definitely rebuttable.

1) I need help. I still haven't learnt that procrastination has long term negative consequences >=(
2) I don't think about trust issues anymore. If people hurt me, they'll hurt me. I'll just learn not to answer their questions truthfully.
3) Most of my friends are reliable.
4) I'm not replying back to letters due to sheer laziness... and I don't care anymore.
5) Nathan Fillion in Castle is awesome.
6) I'm going to have fun learning to start conversations with people in creative ways.
7) I want to learn how to make mash ups.
8) Bouncing ideas and theories off my family is actually pretty fun. Time consuming, but fun.
9) I can't stand not talking to people. Holidays where I'm stuck at home ARE THE WORST.
10) I got a hair cut. I miss my hair, split ends and all.

Okay, I'm not that stupid.

So I keep thinking about what my boss said. She told me that I should keep my co-workers at an arms distance. She meant literally... bringing up the no-touching-rule and all. I've chosen to accept that in its figurative sense. It's quite logical not to invest emotionally into any co-worker, particularly as most of us are busy uni students. We don't see anyone in particular regularly, and out schedules are rarely stable.

You have to do what you have to in order to show that you're friendly. Sure that might mean having a nice conversation during your coffee break, or going for lunch together.

You just have to make sure at the same time that you're not willing to go beyond the usual "How are you, how was your weekend" kind of deal. So if their wife dies you express your sadness for them, but don't offer to be there emotionally for them when you should be working. Cold? A little perhaps, but if their wife died should they really be at work?

Point is: yes boss, I am aware that you are advising me to be somewhat distant to a certain co-worker. Thank you for the advice that getting involved with him would be a bad idea in the long run. I am aware of all this, and you talking about it with me is just so very, very awkward.

Cosmic Irony...

... is... actually I'm not sure what it is.

But I think that it's something like this: people talking to me about their relationship problems... and me feeling compelled to make some comment about it/give advice...

Yes. Because I am the most qualified to be giving out relationship advice. Not being in any significant kind of romantic relationship for 2 and a bit odd years. Go me.

Influential Halfies of my Life

Ange, Sass, and Fil: My bestie from year 2, and onwards and her older and younger sibling. They influenced a lot of the music I listen to now, and general behaviour patterns... like treating friends like literal family. We slept at each other's houses, and they also slept over at my cousin's houses too. Then they disappeared.

Sass says they moved. Whatever. But dance truly unites and reunites people... because she is at uni, and in the dance society with me... as a krumper.

Deewhy: A major primary school obsession/academic+dramatic+dance rival. I say obsession because I was both fascinated by the interest he was receiving from all the girls in the grade, and rival because I wanted to beat his ass at everything.

Cookies: Current bestie, from highschool. Understands my unintelligle mutterings. *sappy emotional stuff*

Bus guy: first cute *and* interesting guy at uni.

Anyway, tl;dr version: OMG childhood friends who I thought had disappeared forever and ever make a sudden, unexpected reappearance in my life. I am having a weird day and thinking weird thoughts.

I was right... i guess

Slightly less than a year ago, a friend of mine talked to me about her relationship troubles. I predicted (not to her face), that the reason why she was having problems was because it was a relationship stemming from highschool, and that it wouldn't last much longer. I was right... and now she's in another relationship.

Being the gossip that I am, I enjoy digging out details about people's lives... whether it's some traumatic memory from when they were 16, to the newest item of clothing that they bought, to what their parents do for a living. People interest me... most of the time. The only time I don't find people interesting is when I'm in an extremely bad mood.

I guess I'm trying to segue into something another friend told me last week. What she said was that a couple of years back, another friend of mine approached her for sex. What she was confused about was that he considered her to be like a sister... and yet he wanted her sexually. Apparently this guy can't tell the difference between love and lust... to him they are pretty much the same thing.

Which brings me to (yeah... ok, so I'm not so great with segues. So sue me. Actually don't.) the fact that it's only been more recently that I've been able to tell the difference between lust... and actually liking someone enough to consider being in any semblance of a relationship with them.

Yup, you know it. I am a friggin genius.

And hey, what do you know but at the moment I don't particularly like anyone. Which is sad... but hey, I guess there's less opportunities to be hurt... or disappointed... or angry.

I don't feel well educated enough to make any political posts anytime soon... so maybe once I know enough about Marxism, Nietzsche, and just more political discourse in general I might write something more substantial. Till then, CBF.

Passive aggressive teaching methods

Gotta love giving 10 year olds what for and a good old beat down speech.

Naw I'm kidding, the kids that I teach are fricking adorable.

I never yell... I just sneak up behind them while they're busy chatting to their neighbour... and remind them in a sweet but sinister voice that they ought to be doing work... and that I'd be watching.

I am a creepy, creepy teacher.

But hey, it shuts the kids up. Rule with the fist of fear, right Machiavelli?

Speaking of work, I may have neglected to mention (okay... I neglected to mention it on purpose) that the new guy at work is approximately 14 months younger than I am.

If I were Christian, I would probably be going to hell.

As it stands, I am not. I am a Buddhist. I will most likely be reborn as a worm. A WORM.

This momentary lapse into silliness was brought to you by Dilmah: Peach Tea + giant spoon of sugar. And pizza.

*awkward silence*

Yeah, hate when they happen:

- like when you reveal that you know something about someone... except they've never told you... you found out on facebook.

- Or when you blurt out that someone is cute... but you don't actually know them... and they're a shop assistant.

- Or when you realise mid-conversation that you've been spending a lot of time with a certain co-worker... alone... and that you don't want other co-workers to think that something is happening between the two of you... so you stop talking for a bit.

- Or when you bump into a high-school school mate and have a conversation and he keeps looking at his watch... so you tell him you've got to go home.

Yeah. And I thought I'd get less awkward the older I got =/

Whacked out happenings

Wednesday 3/2/10
1) At parra station, a guy came up and asked me for $2 to get home. Then he muttered incoherently at me.
2) Also at parra station, a guy who seemed fairly well dressed walked up to the bin next to my bench and started sifting through the contents, first targeting coffee cups, then finally finding half an old donut. He picked it out and ate it as he walked off.

Thursday 4/2/10
1) Learned some more belly dancing
2) Spotted one of the Kelly Brothers working hard on something.

Saturday 6/2/10
1) Spud's birthday party. Passion pop, people wearing paper bags on their head and passive floating sensations in my head.

Monday 8/2/10
1) Fun neck hurting times from all the hair flicking/head banging/dancing on saturday
2) weird dizziness after watching rotating advertisements on tv in the middle of the food court

Tuesday 9/2/10
1) Witnessed a prang on one of three main roads. A car pulled into the bus lane of the main road to escape traffic. Simultaneously a car sped down an intersecting main road, turned into the main road i was standing on. Speeding car collided with car pulling out. Literally jumped back a bit (parts of car were flying around at low velocities)
2) Did some student mentor training. Swapped name tags with a dude at the end of the day, and got funny looks from people walking past.
3) saw the londonette's ex boyfriend on the bus to towers. Saw said ex do a double take at the name tag (or me... I'm not sure if I look different to 10 years ago or whatever)

I am a pervert.

Probably.

New guy at work. Talks very fast (walks even faster). Kind of witty, sort of pretty. Odd sort of name too.

Has a physique like a shop mannequin. He has the elusive triangle shaped torso. It'd be a very interesting shape to draw if I was was an artist. Except I'm not. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you think about it) he looks rather nice in long sleeved shirts, especially if they're tucked in.

Um.

In other news:

- Pay rise
- Volunteered for Student Mentoring 2010
- Performing for O-week
- Booked tickets for Thailand for the end of the year
- Bought my first pair of high heels with my own money
- Cousins from NZ popped by over the holidays. Went to various places, ate at various restaurants.

I have to be a little more careful about what I say in this blog...

Dr. Horrible - The Musical is on in 5 days! Unfortunately, so is my Law assignment.

Hello blog which has not seen the light of day in a while.

I find it incredibly amusing that out of my siblings, I am the only one who is not having love-problems.

Heh.

Feels good to be different for a change. It's very refreshing to not be obsessed with whoever happens to the the boy of my year.

So. Work. Onwards!

The old me is dead and gone

Well, I'm learning to look at emotional setbacks objectively, and to see failure as feedback on how to be successful in the future. I've promised myself that I will be kinder to myself, and that I will stop wasting my time.

I know that the transition from high-school to university is difficult, and it makes you vulnerable to feeling lonely and clingy, but I can always count on my old friends being there eventually, and I can make new friends.

I used to think that being in a relationship was the ultimate goal. Since I was 10 or so, I've found someone every year to be infatuated with. Now, I know that while being in a relationship is desirable, I don't need it. It can wait.

I'm smarter, older, a little bit wiser. I'm not lazy, and I can do anything if I want to. I think I'm a slightly different person to who I was last year.

ARGH beans...

My mum brought a stack-load of snake beans home from the market this Saturday. Today I got to sort through them, then top and tail them. So many @.@

Listening to myself talk these days, I find that I sound really bitter. Now I'm not sure if I'm usually like this, of if it's just recently that I've become like this.

Hey, it's ok to lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings right?

I'm not going to see 1.5 spot, because I can't be bothered. Sure I feel guilty about declining one of the parts, and sure I feel guilty that I'm not more involved in the club. That doesn't make me anymore inclined to make plans to go see it. So I'm going to lie and say that I was busy. It's not so bad, because I don't know the people in the drama club that well.

And also, one of my new psych buddies at uni is having relationship problems. It wasn't my place to ask, but I did. And there's so many problems I don't even know where to begin to help her out.

I figure she's a girl, so she'll be needed some kind of emotional reassurance. She wants someone to tell her it'll all be ok, and that it will all work out. So I did.

I lied. Most highschool relationships don't survive the transition to uni. This also includes friendships. Most long-distance relationships don't work out. Most people realise that they don't actually know their partner that well after the initial flood of hormones goes away.

Statistically, her relationship is destined to fail. I could work out the probability of it happening.

Friendships don't really last into uni either. It's either a success (π) or fail (1-π). The success rate is approximately 2/15. The Bernoulli distribution indicates that in general, there's a right skew, i.e. you lose most of your friends. I actually punched this into Excel, and that's what I got.

It's kind of sad really.

We tell each other lies everyday. It gives us hope and happiness. Without happiness we are depressed. Without either happiness nor hope, we are suicidal. Hence we tell each other lies to keep each other alive.

But hey, that's ok. Because in the long run, surviving is all that matters.

Easter, Oestre and Hōnen Matsuri

It's that time of year again.

Every shoppping centre you visit is decked out with Cadbury Bunnies and eggs.

In Christian terms, Easter. In pagan terms, Oestre. In Japanese terms Hōnen Matsuri. Yep, it's harvest time, and everything fertility or birth related time as well.

I suppose the Oestre festivals and the harvest festivals were historically first. Human kind seems to have an affinity with celebrating with rituals and large groups.

In Japan, the Hōnen Matsuri is the celebration of a bountiful harvest, prosperity and fertility. Its most famous symbol is the large wooden phallus that is paraded from shrine to shrine. While this is highly amusing to foreigners, it is a sacred event for the Japanese.

The bunny (or a hare) and the egg were originally pagan in nature. Rabbits breed very quickly, and eggs represent birth, so it makes sense that these are symbols that, to this day, represent fertility and birth. These were once offered to the goddess of fertility, who has been called a variety names, one of which has been Anglicised to Easter.

So there we have two festivals/tributes to the harvest/fertility.

Where does the Christian Easter come from? Historically, it's very vague about the actual date that Jesus was crucified and resurrected. (It's also very vague about the date that Jesus was born.) It's very convenient that many of the Christian festivals fall on or near dates of the equinoxes and solstices. As for Easter, it's VERY convenient that the death and rebirth of Jesus is represented through ancient symbols of birth an fertility. Which has been pointed out before. In fact, a lot of pagan rituals have carried over to Christianity, as it's been stated, to allow for an easier transition of religion for the pagans in the countries where Christianity originally flourished (The Roman Empire I think).

So why make the bunnies and eggs out of chocolate then? Chocolate was imported from the Americas, and was once described as one of the Devil's temptations. Hilarious that it's now a major symbol for many of the countries that celebrate Easter.

Can't really think of a conclusion, just thought I'd bring up some observations I'd found interesting. Happy Easter!

A series of increasingly uncomfortable conversations.

A topic that comes up surprisingly often these days between my parents and I, unfortunately, is sex. I think the reason this topic is coming up so often is because
1) I'm in uni with a variety of people, instead of your standard Asian nerds.
2) I can drink alcohol
3) I go out a lot more where they can't monitor my behaviour
And hence they panic and freak out.

It's extraordinarily awkward to talk about *certain* things with your parents. I'd come up with some kind of metaphor or analogy, but the truth is I cannot think of anything more awkward than that.

The hard and fast line they are trying to put across is "NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE". That also includes anything beyond hugging and, the recently conceded, kissing. My dad in particular wants me to stay as pure as the driven snow until I get married, and my mum wants me to stay "innocent" and I would stay that way if I steered clear of carnal knowledge.

Why?



Well, there are a multitude of reasons I suppose.

For example, according to the major religions of the world, there are reasons for abstinence.

Christianity forbids premarital sex. Some strands of Judeo-Christian religions also frown upon affection between married couples. I haven't read enough of the bible to explain this uet, but I'm fairly certain that's the case.

In Buddhism, one of the precepts, that is the behavioural guides for righteous living, is not to indulge in physical excess. This I do know the reason for. The causes of suffering, according to Buddhism, is desire for things that are physical, or tangible. This desire ties us to the world, hence be freed of this existence, and will be reborn again into the cycle of suffering.

According to the law, sex between consenting heterosexuals over the age of 16 is legal, sex between consenting homosexuals over the age of 18 is legal, sex between a 15 year old and a 18 year old is illegal, sex between two 16 year old males is illegal and all sorts of other fun things. Law, as I've been learning in Law, is not necessarily tied to morals.

Socially, it is less acceptable for a woman to have multiple sexual partners than a man. I think this stems from this society being somewhat religious.



Biologically speaking (again), sex stimulates chemicals that screw up with rational thought processes. I like thinking. I like having control. Anything that would prevent me from thinking clearly and depriving me of what little control I have over my life's situation surely would be detrimental.

So there's a wide range of reasons for why I shouldn't have sex.



Now, as far as I've heard, sex is a pleasurable experience. Explained on a technical level it seems a little messy. Biologically it used to be necessary for this to occur in order for reproduction to occur. But with the introduction of contraception, abortion, IVF etc, this is not necessarily the case.

Humans all experience desire at some stage, unless there is something neurologically wrong with them. Now this is just in general, as the word desire encompasses many facets.



As far as I'm concerned, sex is a base kind of pleasure. It is a purely physical sensation. However, as human beings, we ARE physical beings, despite having opposable thumbs and a brain, and all the kerfuffle raised over the years how Homo Sapiens are somehow separate to animals. Hence, if we are entitled to pleasures such as reading, writing, music, art etc, we should also be entitled to the most controversial physical pleasures as well.

I don't intend on getting married. And if I do get married, it will not follow the conventions of a typical marriage according to either religious norms nor shall it follow the norms my parents propose. Hence, it will be regarded as an invalid "marriage" by both society and my parents.

From this, it follows that I will never have sexual relations with anyone.

Now this is something I intensely disagree with.

I feel as though the only thing preventing me from choosing how to live my life is fear of some sanction, whether it is from a religious, social or moral power. Hence, this unnamed power is preventing me from having some form of control over my life, and this is the collar that chafes at my neck.


The problem with my parents just telling me to not have sex is that the reasons they give for it are a little arbitary. Most of the reasons I've listed here I've had to come up with for myself.

In the end, I've decided on a set of guidelines for my own behaviour, that is not quite in accordance to the values my parents and parts of my society espouse. I just hope that there aren't too many negative consequences from that, and if there are consequences I hope I can deal with them.

YARRRRR.

it's so hot!!! milk was a bad choice!!!

hmm....

1) summer... brain melting heat = not fun
2) crushedbyingsoc.blogspot.com crashing = not fun
3) meeting awesome dude's (only he calls himself that hahaha) primary school friend + spud's friends = fun
4) seeing how much older the people at uni seem = daunting
5) seeing other friendship groups falling apart = scary
6) fighting (not much of a struggle yet) to keep our group together = an interesting challenge
7) learning cute little korean dances in sweltering heat = fun, but stupid

None of us were angels...

Three subheadings today, instead of numbered, scattered points.

1. Projected self image

I found my Johari/Nohari windows again recently.

4 people think that I'm able, brave, caring, cheerful, dependable, dignified, energetic, helpful, ingenious, kind, loving, modest, powerful, reflective, sensible, trustworthy, warm and witty.

The same 4 people also think that I can be intolerant, insecure, withdrawn, hostile, unhelpful, cruel, ignorant, irrational, imperceptive, chaotic, embarrassed, loud, panicky, dispassionate, inattentive.

Most of the time, people I know are too nice to point out my negative characteristics. The only people I know that point out my negative traits are my close friends and family. And I value them for it, because they are quite aware that I'm human, and that I'm fallible.

I find it disconcerting when people idealise me or express romantic interest. Because I know that they're overlooking the negative traits that I have that I know would definitely make them run 100 kilometres in the other direction if they actually figured out that I can be quite... well not as perfect as they thought.

That's why I run 100 kilometres in the opposite direction when people view me in such a distorted light. Because they're so very, very incorrect in their perceptions of who I am, and I usually I don't want to prove them wrong. For a while now, I've been humouring people who are like that. Which is wrong, because I hate lying to them and pretending to be something I'm not.

2. Yes Man

I watched Jim Carrey's newest on Thursday with a bunch of friends who weren't a) overseas, b) at the beach, c) on bible camp. It was funny in a slapstick way I think... Carrey's humour has become less... sharp (?) over the years... some moments in the film that were supposed to be funny fell flat... some bits were kind of disturbing... but overall it was quite entertaining.

The message I got out of this film was that you shouldn't be afraid to grab life by the wrists and run. That letting yourself do the things you want to do is as straightforward as just saying yes.

I wish I could live that kind of life... but if I did that at this current moment it would hurt my parents. Because they wouldn't understand, and they'll think I'm frivolously wasting my life.

3. Nana

I started reading the manga, and I've watched the live-action film (courtesy of Youtube ^^). It's a shoujo manga, so it pretty much falls under all the conventions of the genre (ext 1 english... yay... how i love thee), so don't look for anything new. I haven't watched much of the anime yet.



The music from the live-action is what drew me into the series. The songs from both Nana (feat. Mika Nakashima) and Reira (feat. Yuna Ito) released accompanying the film are quite good. The only one I don't really like is "My medicine" by Nana, because it just sounds weird after the verses. Other than Glamourous Sky, Isolation is a pretty good song, which is surpising that 3/4 of the tracks are fairly strong.

hmm... it's late... bed time...